I’ve been a little quiet on here lately, and as life has begun to shift rapidly for me, my mind and thoughts are getting carried away with where I’m going next.
As you may know, three weeks ago I finished up at my work. Instead of pursuing a new challenge or a new field of work straight away, I’ve decided to stand still for awhile. I’ve decided to take time to see how I feel and what and where I next feel most drawn.
My mind is a little alarmed by all of this. It wants to know what my plan is. It wants to know why I’m not being very productive. It’s also starting to stress out when it sees me simply sitting around, taking a nap or with my nose in a good book.
My thoughts keep reminding me that “other people” who’ve quit their jobs have thrown themselves, full force, into the project of getting themselves on track for making a living online, from anywhere in the world. My thoughts keep pestering me, asking me over and over about whether I should be more proactively seeking my new path. There is an urgency to these thoughts, with a great deal of worry and anxiety built in.
And yet, day after day, I still take no real action. I dabble a little here and there, I daydream about where I might go next on this path and I take it all slowly.
I’m not ready to move.
I know I need the time to create some space between my former life and the one that is to come. It’s like a break up. Often we come through a broken relationship dragging and carrying pieces of ourselves that barely made it through. Imagine you then walked up to the next potential partner, raw and exposed, without any time to heal and gather yourself together. It’s unlikely that the next relationship would be a raving success.
I’ve broken up with my old life and I feel exactly this way. I didn’t realise that I would. I thought I’d feel excited and exhilarated, pumped full of energy and champing at the bit to get started on what’s next.
Instead I feel quietly relieved that I’ve made it through without losing myself completely. I find myself standing alone, feeling raw and a little exposed, and also a little bewildered. I need this time to recuperate.
As the final day of my previous life drew closer, I knew that I would need at least one week of total inaction. Three weeks have passed, and although I’m not at all sitting around staring at the wall, I am consciously resisting every plea from my mind to hurry up and get on with it.
I’m really surprised that I feel this way. It seems, from the stories I’ve read, that when other people have broken away from their old life, they move forward full steam ahead into making their new life work. Their relationship with their old life must have been over long before the end finally came.
So I’m practicing a new concept for me, and that’s simply being where I am.
I’m not forcing and pushing myself forward, as if life is a never-ending obstacle course or to-do list.
At every turn I’m fighting the nagging feeling that if I don’t move now I’ll miss out. Or even scarier than that, the thought that if I don’t move now I never will.
I’m also resisting the urge to be somebody and to get out there and put a label on myself, loud and proud.
I’m dealing with the feelings of guilt that arise as I’m sitting around accomplishing nothing of note while others crave just a little of what I’ve got.
Yet still, here I go being right where I am.
Do you feel any of these senses of urgency, to make something of yourself, to push yourself forward? Why do we do it to ourselves?
We all need the time to gather ourselves between life transitions. We need to be gentle and allow ourselves the privilege and the wisdom to be where we are without thinking about what’s coming up next.
This week, be where you are.